Cruise Contract Craziness

I am scheduled to go on a cruise in a couple of weeks. In the wake of the recent shipwreck of the Concordia, I reviewed my cruise contract. I wish I hadn’t. To say the terms are Draconian would be an understatement. Shylock had better odds in his trial. The document reads something like this:

1) Definitions:

“Rights of Carrier”

These rights follow and may further be revised without notice in the sole discretion of the carrier.

“Rights of Passengers”

These rights will be broadcast during third night of cruise in the theater, at the comedy review.

2) Liability for lost or damaged luggage.

The carrier will not be liable for any lost or damaged luggage unless passengers can prove that luggage handlers were negligent with your bags, when they threw them overboard. In that event, you will have to notify us in writing providing their full names, spelling them correctly, even if they are Sri Lankan. Liability furthermore will be limited in accordance with the Paraguay Convention to a maximum of $3.50 per bag.

3) Death or injury

The carrier is not responsible for any death or injury caused to passengers unless passengers can prove negligence:

a) In this event passengers must notify the carrier by email within 6 hours of the event, using the computers conveniently located in the guest computer room, which room carrier shall use its best efforts to keep unlocked.

b) Any action against the carrier must be commenced within 6 months and must be instituted in Florida, at the District Court of Disney World. Passengers must personally serve claim on carrier’s representative who will be dressed in a Mickey Mouse outfit.

c) If you select a trial by jury, it must be a jury of carrier's peers. Of the 12 jury members, out of the jury pool, you must select at least 11 people who are cruise ship executives.

d) Passengers may sue carrier save and except if death or injury occurs on any ship that is registered in Panama, Liberia, or Malta.

e) Notwithstanding any other provisions of this contract, the carrier reserves the right to ignore any court verdict against it, on reasonable grounds. These grounds include but are not limited to, carrier not agreeing with the verdict.

If you also have a cruise lined up, don’t let any of this deter you. Bon voyage.