Victor Hugo Meets Revenue Canada
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 at 00:00
By Marcel Strigberger
Jean Valjean sat motionless as he waited for his case to be called before the ruthless Judge Javert. There he sat, his heart in his mouth, in infamous Courtroom No. 6, the GST evaders' court.
Jean Valjean, unemployed for six months, had just purchased a bucket of fried chicken for his wife and six kids. The tab came to $12.95 plus 91¢ GST. Jean Valjean could ill afford the additional 91¢ and so he tendered the $12.95 to the cashier, grabbed the bucket of chicken and bolted.
The cashier ran after Jean Valjean shouting "Stop! GST thief!"
By chance there happened to be one of the dreaded plain-clothes GST gendarmes just next door at the donut shop. He heard the chicken cashier's frantic cries and promptly arrested Jean Valjean, charging him with GST evasion.
Jean Valjean pleaded with the officer, "But, Monsieur le Gendarme, I have a family to feed, six hungry children who asked me to bring them back a few modest pieces of fried chicken, and some pommes frites."
The poor man's pleas fell on deaf ears. "Tell it to the judge," was the gendarme's response as he tightened the handcuffs.
When the court clerk asked Jean Valjean how he wished to plead, he replied, "Guilty," hoping he could rely on the mercy of the Court (considering those six hungry children).
Judge Javert was in a miserable mood. He told Jean Valjean the GST was the best thing that had ever happened to this country and that evading it was a heinous offence which must be deterred. Javert then sentenced Jean Valjean to 14 years of hard labour.
Jean Valjean was led away shouting frantically that he'd expected a tongue-lashing, an order for community service, perhaps a $28 fine, but nothing like this.
Guards soon whisked him off to the infamous prison, the Chateau Don. Nobody ever wanted to go there. It was like a jail.
The days felt like years to Jean Valjean. He made a mark on the stone wall for every day he was confined. Then he found he could stand it no longer -- six hours was just too much. (He hadn't made his first mark on the wall yet, you see, but he was going to after the end of the first day).
He knew he would have to escape. But how?
A stroke of genius hit him He would wait until someone died and then hide inside man's shroud and get removed. "What the heck," he thought. "lt worked for the Count of Monte Cristo."
Now for someone to die. That evening in the dining hall he carefully observed the other prisoners, looking for signs of expiry. No luck. All that his observation earned him was a slap across the face from a jailmate who wouldn't believe Jean Valjean was only taking his pulse.
Jean Valjean returned to his cell that evening, perplexed. Then, as he observed his cellmate snoring, he had an idea! He shouted, "There's a dead man in here. Help! "
He quickly zipped himself up into a shroud that he'd made that afternoon out of a bar of soap. (He was very good with his hands.) The guards arrived and removed him.
Jean Valjean expected to be taken to a cemetery from whence he might escape. He felt himself being transported by truck and finally being plopped down on a hard surface.
Suddenly he heard voices. To his horror, he realized he was on a dissecting table of a medical school anatomy classroom.
Foremost in his mind was the question, where would they cut first? He started getting nervous as one of the students began removing his trousers.
He rolled off the table quickly, causing the female student to scream and drop her cleaver. Jean Valjean charged out. The medical students immediately reacted by asking the professor, "Is this on the exam?"
The fugitive had just reached the courtyard of the university when whom did he see to his shock? Javert. The judge was on his way to the law school to deliver a lecture entitled "The Government Understands Your Concerns About the GST."
"J'accuse you", cried the implacable Javert.
Jean Valjean darted into a nearby manhole. Javert followed in pursuit, shouting, "I'll see that you get another 14 years for this."
The poor devil ran frantically through the sewers for what seemed like hours.
"Jean Valjean!" he heard a familiar voice shouting suddenly.
He looked around and saw his wife by his side. He'd had an awful nightmare.
His wife said to him, "Jean Valjean, go out now and get that chicken. We're hungry."
"No way," he said firmly. "We're having eggs."
Jean Valjean sat motionless as he waited for his case to be called before the ruthless Judge Javert. There he sat, his heart in his mouth, in infamous Courtroom No. 6, the GST evaders' court.
Jean Valjean, unemployed for six months, had just purchased a bucket of fried chicken for his wife and six kids. The tab came to $12.95 plus 91¢ GST. Jean Valjean could ill afford the additional 91¢ and so he tendered the $12.95 to the cashier, grabbed the bucket of chicken and bolted.
The cashier ran after Jean Valjean shouting "Stop! GST thief!"
By chance there happened to be one of the dreaded plain-clothes GST gendarmes just next door at the donut shop. He heard the chicken cashier's frantic cries and promptly arrested Jean Valjean, charging him with GST evasion.
Jean Valjean pleaded with the officer, "But, Monsieur le Gendarme, I have a family to feed, six hungry children who asked me to bring them back a few modest pieces of fried chicken, and some pommes frites."
The poor man's pleas fell on deaf ears. "Tell it to the judge," was the gendarme's response as he tightened the handcuffs.
When the court clerk asked Jean Valjean how he wished to plead, he replied, "Guilty," hoping he could rely on the mercy of the Court (considering those six hungry children).
Judge Javert was in a miserable mood. He told Jean Valjean the GST was the best thing that had ever happened to this country and that evading it was a heinous offence which must be deterred. Javert then sentenced Jean Valjean to 14 years of hard labour.
Jean Valjean was led away shouting frantically that he'd expected a tongue-lashing, an order for community service, perhaps a $28 fine, but nothing like this.
Guards soon whisked him off to the infamous prison, the Chateau Don. Nobody ever wanted to go there. It was like a jail.
The days felt like years to Jean Valjean. He made a mark on the stone wall for every day he was confined. Then he found he could stand it no longer -- six hours was just too much. (He hadn't made his first mark on the wall yet, you see, but he was going to after the end of the first day).
He knew he would have to escape. But how?
A stroke of genius hit him He would wait until someone died and then hide inside man's shroud and get removed. "What the heck," he thought. "lt worked for the Count of Monte Cristo."
Now for someone to die. That evening in the dining hall he carefully observed the other prisoners, looking for signs of expiry. No luck. All that his observation earned him was a slap across the face from a jailmate who wouldn't believe Jean Valjean was only taking his pulse.
Jean Valjean returned to his cell that evening, perplexed. Then, as he observed his cellmate snoring, he had an idea! He shouted, "There's a dead man in here. Help! "
He quickly zipped himself up into a shroud that he'd made that afternoon out of a bar of soap. (He was very good with his hands.) The guards arrived and removed him.
Jean Valjean expected to be taken to a cemetery from whence he might escape. He felt himself being transported by truck and finally being plopped down on a hard surface.
Suddenly he heard voices. To his horror, he realized he was on a dissecting table of a medical school anatomy classroom.
Foremost in his mind was the question, where would they cut first? He started getting nervous as one of the students began removing his trousers.
He rolled off the table quickly, causing the female student to scream and drop her cleaver. Jean Valjean charged out. The medical students immediately reacted by asking the professor, "Is this on the exam?"
The fugitive had just reached the courtyard of the university when whom did he see to his shock? Javert. The judge was on his way to the law school to deliver a lecture entitled "The Government Understands Your Concerns About the GST."
"J'accuse you", cried the implacable Javert.
Jean Valjean darted into a nearby manhole. Javert followed in pursuit, shouting, "I'll see that you get another 14 years for this."
The poor devil ran frantically through the sewers for what seemed like hours.
"Jean Valjean!" he heard a familiar voice shouting suddenly.
He looked around and saw his wife by his side. He'd had an awful nightmare.
His wife said to him, "Jean Valjean, go out now and get that chicken. We're hungry."
"No way," he said firmly. "We're having eggs."
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© 2007 Marcel Strigberger. This article CANNOT be copied or reproduced in any way without the expressed written consent of the Author.
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