The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but...

I recently promised to take my son Gabriel to a baseball game.  Unfortunately a work related emergency came up and I had to scrap my plans at the last moment.  The kid was very understanding and sympathetic to my decision.  He said to me, "Liar, liar, pants on fire."

I realized that this moment was perhaps not the best time to try to reason with him. 

But after practicing law for over 30 years, Gabriel's metaphor had me thinking about the concept of honesty.  Perhaps adults should be as explicit as children when they feel that the other person is not telling the truth. It would be refreshing for example for a judge to listen to the evidence of a witness and instead of saying, "The evidence of this witness lacks credibility,” call a spade a spade and tell the witness, "Liar, liar, pants on fire."

It would certainly get the witness to look at his pants. 

But people do not like to be told that they are liars. Nor do they easily accuse others of fibbing.  Hardly a wild west movie goes by without that saloon poker game scene where some Johnny Ringo  pulls four aces. This does not sit well with The Colorado Kid,  who happens to be holding  an ace and when the Kid simply clears his throat, Ringo says, "You callin' me a liar?"  If the Kid then even blinks he'll be out on the street in two minutes just a quick draw away from a trip to Boot Hill.

It is not surprising therefore that people are uncomfortable with the concept of dishonesty and we accordingly use a myriad of expressions and metaphors to fervently convince others that we are all Abraham Lincolns.

One of my favourites is the expression, "I swear on a stack of bibles". 

Lawyers know that swearing on one bible is a very solemn occasion.  Even if you are facing a speeding ticket charge, if you don't tell the truth, after swearing on even a single bible, then you are destined to ultimately be banished to a hotter climate in the netherworld.  But where can you possibly go if you blow it after swearing on a stack of bibles?  Buffalo?

Not too far from the person who swears on the stack is the guy who swears, "up and down".  When I hear the "up and down" person affirming his honesty, I imagine him in the courtroom in front of a judge and jury waiting with baited breath as he takes a bible into his hands and utters the oath while doing five deep knee bends.  Now who can disbelieve this individual?

Then we have the philosopher.  When challenged, he'll say, "Why would I lie?"  Former president Bill Clinton in fact once asked "Why would I ask other people to lie?"  Now wasn't that comment convincing!

Then there are the people who are so convinced of their honesty that they invite disaster to be visited upon themselves if they're lying.  They’ll say, "Cross my heart and hope to die." 

Some are even specific as to how they care to die: "May I be struck by a bolt of lightening." 

I believe that these latter people must be taken seriously as to date I have yet to be sitting in a courtroom only to hear a knock on the door and notice a bolt of lightening head straight for the witness stand.  Who knows, maybe Thor is saving it for another day. 

These people are bolder than the chickens who exempt themselves from punishment.  I am talking about the guy who says, "I swear on my children". 

Others are really bold and weird with someone else's children.  They say, "It's true or I'll be a monkey's uncle." 

Then there are the sports minded people: "I'm as straight as an arrow." 

This one sometimes makes me uneasy.   If arrows were as straight as some of these clowns, then if I were William Tell's son, there's no way I would have stood there with that apple on my head. 

Speaking of little boys let us not forget the epitome of telling a lie, the son of all little liars, Pinocchio.  In my opinion the invention of the century would be a type of fairy who could stand near a party and ensure that his or her nose grows whenever they tell a lie.  It would certainly speed up court trials.  It might even put many lawyers out of a job.  But that's OK.  I mean it. Scout's honour.