If it Ain't Broke, It Ain't Broke
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 at 00:00
By Marcel Strigberger
I had an old Compaq computer and my secretary had a newer HP computer. My computer used the DOS system, hers used Windows. She would prepare a document and I would make changes on it with my 19 cent red Bic pen. She would then print the final version on her printer. This worked well. I was happy.
Then Carson, one of the lawyers in the office suggested that why have my secretary waste time with all these drafts. With a network system she can prepare a draft and when she is done, I pull the document up on my computer and edit and print it. Sounded good, yes?
He recommended a network man Larry, who came to check out my office. Larry agreed networking was the greatest invention since sliced bread. The time it would save would make the system pay for itself in days. He inspected my office and noticed my archaic Compaq and said, "Tsk tsk, this has to go".
I never had a glitch with it but what the heck. Make room for progress.
He told me my secretary's one year old HP would become my computer and he would install a brand new state of the art computer at her station which would be called the server. This in other words would be the main computer, numero uno, the big cheese. Her HP which worked OK to this point would become my computer, the servee, the slave. And of course we would get rid of DOS and use Windows all around. As Larry said, "Step into the 21st century."
A couple of weeks later Larry set up the system. He instructed us on how to use it and gave us a demo. It was so efficient that in the hour or so he was with us we already saved 3 days of time. We were both amazed. I felt like uttering the words "One small step for man"...Good thing I didn't. It would have been more appropriate to utter the words, "Watch out for the iceberg." Larry may as well have thrown in a CD of the soundtrack for The Titanic.
A day or so after Larry left the fun started. My secretary breezed through a lengthy document and when she was done, she entered my office with a smile and said, "Have a look at it from your drone".
With anticipation I pulled up the document and I got a message, "Unable to connect with server". I tried a couple of times as did my secretary. On the third try we got another message, "You have performed an illegal operation. Please shut down the computer at once."
Being a lawyer I take messages such as the foregoing seriously. The last thing I need is to have the Law Society investigate me for conduct unbecoming a solicitor. I shut down.
I called Larry. Larry said, "Oh yes, occasionally the programs crash. Just shut down the computer as you did and open it. It should work fine afterwards."
I fired up my HP and on we went. And guess what? I was able to access the mighty server no problem. My faith in technology was renewed and I started perusing that draft. Halfway through I made a change or two. Remembering the number one lesson of word processing, I decided to save my work. I clicked the "save" icon and guess what? The hourglass icon came on, and on and on. For the uninitiated, the hourglass icon flashes or whirls in between operations, basically saying, "Men at work. Relax, it won't be long."
Ten minutes later the hourglass was still merrily whirling. I ran next door and called Carson over. Carson said, "You are crashing".
"Again?" I asked exasperatingly. I entreated him for an explanation. Carson gave me a spiel of mumbo jumbo the bottom line being that I have to press "control, alt, delete" to stop Mr. Hourglass from whirling for the next millennium.
I followed his strange instructions. He told me to then click on "end task". I did this and guess what? It ended my task. Totally. The task I had spent an hour working on. My old Compaq now in mothballs started looking good.
I called Larry and explained the problems we were having and he said, "Oh sure. This is a Windows problem. Quite common." He went on and on basically blaming the whole problem on Microsoft. They had not quite perfected Windows yet but he assured me that they were working on it. Meanwhile he asked me to fire up the computer again. I did and guess what? Things worked... for the rest of the day.
The next day we put the finishing touches on that document. I pressed "print" and, tah dah! A message appeared saying, "You do not have a printer connected."
This was rather bizarre as I was certain I had paid $600.00 not that long ago for a fine HP 6L Laserjet, which to my knowledge was still there the day before. But then again who knows. I cautiously slipped out of my office and went over to my secretary's station to check on the existence of my Laserjet. Lo and behold there she was, as present as ever.
I went back to my computer gain and pressed, "print". A message came on: "I told you earlier, you do not have a printer. Go out and buy one you cheapskate."
I did not like that last comment. My philanthropic record speaks for itself. Remembering what I used to do with my old Apple II C computer to get out of a program, I hit "ESC". The computer gave me a message: "You have performed an illegal operation again. This is not your old Apple II C. Do it once more and the full measure of the law will be brought down against you."
My first inclination was to call the Law Society to come clean with them. I knew they would emphasize. They would understand that like most other baby boomer lawyers my computer skills rivalled those of an Amish elder.
Instead I called Larry. He came over to have a look. He checked the printer and he agreed it was alive and well. He unplugged it and plugged it back in again. Guess what? Everything worked fine, the document was printed.
There were no problems for about a week until the day I had this emergency that required me to get out some papers.
Pia finished the lengthy opus and I pulled it into my drone for examination. I made a few changes and to make sure there would be no problems, I pressed "save" every few seconds as I made changes as I did not want to take a chance of the Windows spooks abruptly ending my task. Somehow the computers knew this was the day things just had to go right. They must have a sensor helping them guess if you are anxious. Just like dogs do. They know when you are afraid of them. I am certain if you look under the hood of a computer you will find a message, "user anxiety sensor enabled".
I figured I better save the document quickly and print. I pressed a final "save". And nothing happened. I pressed it again. No dice. I tried to move the mouse and press "print". Uh uh. I was just staring into the last page of my document but nothing was moving.
I called Carson over and he said, "Oh yeah you're frozen."
"Excuse me?" I queried. "Frozen?"
Carson explained to me that occasionally Windows freeze. I expected this on my car in the winter but not on my computer, especially on a balmy September day. I asked him why it would freeze and he didn't know. He asked me whether I perhaps was telegraphing to the computer that these documents were urgent. "They seem to pick that up you know", he uttered.
I called Larry and he gave me brilliant advice. "Unplug your computer."
"Unplug my computer? That's it?"
"Yeah, just do it", he said.
Guess what. After I unplugged and then rebooted it, I got a message reading, "You have improperly shut down Windows. Shame on you." It took 10 minutes for the computer to boot up. I suppose this was in retaliation to me improperly shutting down Windows.
The glitches continued and continued. I was then advised to install a software program that would guard against crashes and freezes. It was called "Dr. Antifreeze". I may as well have installed Dr. Strangelove. Mind you the program worked initially. When my computer froze, I clicked the mouse on the Dr. Antifreeze icon and on came a graphic of a moustached doctor running across the street with a blowtorch. Unfortunately after about a week or so I got a message, "The doctor is not on call today. If this is an emergency please take your computer to your nearest service centre."
Totally frustrated I started yanking on the power cord. On came a message, "You have preformed an illegal operation again. This is it. The RCMP are on their way."
Guess what? I am starting from scratch again. I disengaged my network. I find it a lot simpler to have my secretary make a draft and I make changes with my 19 cent red pen. And I don't want to hear any lip from anybody because if you get me mad, I'll unplug you.
I had an old Compaq computer and my secretary had a newer HP computer. My computer used the DOS system, hers used Windows. She would prepare a document and I would make changes on it with my 19 cent red Bic pen. She would then print the final version on her printer. This worked well. I was happy.
Then Carson, one of the lawyers in the office suggested that why have my secretary waste time with all these drafts. With a network system she can prepare a draft and when she is done, I pull the document up on my computer and edit and print it. Sounded good, yes?
He recommended a network man Larry, who came to check out my office. Larry agreed networking was the greatest invention since sliced bread. The time it would save would make the system pay for itself in days. He inspected my office and noticed my archaic Compaq and said, "Tsk tsk, this has to go".
I never had a glitch with it but what the heck. Make room for progress.
He told me my secretary's one year old HP would become my computer and he would install a brand new state of the art computer at her station which would be called the server. This in other words would be the main computer, numero uno, the big cheese. Her HP which worked OK to this point would become my computer, the servee, the slave. And of course we would get rid of DOS and use Windows all around. As Larry said, "Step into the 21st century."
A couple of weeks later Larry set up the system. He instructed us on how to use it and gave us a demo. It was so efficient that in the hour or so he was with us we already saved 3 days of time. We were both amazed. I felt like uttering the words "One small step for man"...Good thing I didn't. It would have been more appropriate to utter the words, "Watch out for the iceberg." Larry may as well have thrown in a CD of the soundtrack for The Titanic.
A day or so after Larry left the fun started. My secretary breezed through a lengthy document and when she was done, she entered my office with a smile and said, "Have a look at it from your drone".
With anticipation I pulled up the document and I got a message, "Unable to connect with server". I tried a couple of times as did my secretary. On the third try we got another message, "You have performed an illegal operation. Please shut down the computer at once."
Being a lawyer I take messages such as the foregoing seriously. The last thing I need is to have the Law Society investigate me for conduct unbecoming a solicitor. I shut down.
I called Larry. Larry said, "Oh yes, occasionally the programs crash. Just shut down the computer as you did and open it. It should work fine afterwards."
I fired up my HP and on we went. And guess what? I was able to access the mighty server no problem. My faith in technology was renewed and I started perusing that draft. Halfway through I made a change or two. Remembering the number one lesson of word processing, I decided to save my work. I clicked the "save" icon and guess what? The hourglass icon came on, and on and on. For the uninitiated, the hourglass icon flashes or whirls in between operations, basically saying, "Men at work. Relax, it won't be long."
Ten minutes later the hourglass was still merrily whirling. I ran next door and called Carson over. Carson said, "You are crashing".
"Again?" I asked exasperatingly. I entreated him for an explanation. Carson gave me a spiel of mumbo jumbo the bottom line being that I have to press "control, alt, delete" to stop Mr. Hourglass from whirling for the next millennium.
I followed his strange instructions. He told me to then click on "end task". I did this and guess what? It ended my task. Totally. The task I had spent an hour working on. My old Compaq now in mothballs started looking good.
I called Larry and explained the problems we were having and he said, "Oh sure. This is a Windows problem. Quite common." He went on and on basically blaming the whole problem on Microsoft. They had not quite perfected Windows yet but he assured me that they were working on it. Meanwhile he asked me to fire up the computer again. I did and guess what? Things worked... for the rest of the day.
The next day we put the finishing touches on that document. I pressed "print" and, tah dah! A message appeared saying, "You do not have a printer connected."
This was rather bizarre as I was certain I had paid $600.00 not that long ago for a fine HP 6L Laserjet, which to my knowledge was still there the day before. But then again who knows. I cautiously slipped out of my office and went over to my secretary's station to check on the existence of my Laserjet. Lo and behold there she was, as present as ever.
I went back to my computer gain and pressed, "print". A message came on: "I told you earlier, you do not have a printer. Go out and buy one you cheapskate."
I did not like that last comment. My philanthropic record speaks for itself. Remembering what I used to do with my old Apple II C computer to get out of a program, I hit "ESC". The computer gave me a message: "You have performed an illegal operation again. This is not your old Apple II C. Do it once more and the full measure of the law will be brought down against you."
My first inclination was to call the Law Society to come clean with them. I knew they would emphasize. They would understand that like most other baby boomer lawyers my computer skills rivalled those of an Amish elder.
Instead I called Larry. He came over to have a look. He checked the printer and he agreed it was alive and well. He unplugged it and plugged it back in again. Guess what? Everything worked fine, the document was printed.
There were no problems for about a week until the day I had this emergency that required me to get out some papers.
Pia finished the lengthy opus and I pulled it into my drone for examination. I made a few changes and to make sure there would be no problems, I pressed "save" every few seconds as I made changes as I did not want to take a chance of the Windows spooks abruptly ending my task. Somehow the computers knew this was the day things just had to go right. They must have a sensor helping them guess if you are anxious. Just like dogs do. They know when you are afraid of them. I am certain if you look under the hood of a computer you will find a message, "user anxiety sensor enabled".
I figured I better save the document quickly and print. I pressed a final "save". And nothing happened. I pressed it again. No dice. I tried to move the mouse and press "print". Uh uh. I was just staring into the last page of my document but nothing was moving.
I called Carson over and he said, "Oh yeah you're frozen."
"Excuse me?" I queried. "Frozen?"
Carson explained to me that occasionally Windows freeze. I expected this on my car in the winter but not on my computer, especially on a balmy September day. I asked him why it would freeze and he didn't know. He asked me whether I perhaps was telegraphing to the computer that these documents were urgent. "They seem to pick that up you know", he uttered.
I called Larry and he gave me brilliant advice. "Unplug your computer."
"Unplug my computer? That's it?"
"Yeah, just do it", he said.
Guess what. After I unplugged and then rebooted it, I got a message reading, "You have improperly shut down Windows. Shame on you." It took 10 minutes for the computer to boot up. I suppose this was in retaliation to me improperly shutting down Windows.
The glitches continued and continued. I was then advised to install a software program that would guard against crashes and freezes. It was called "Dr. Antifreeze". I may as well have installed Dr. Strangelove. Mind you the program worked initially. When my computer froze, I clicked the mouse on the Dr. Antifreeze icon and on came a graphic of a moustached doctor running across the street with a blowtorch. Unfortunately after about a week or so I got a message, "The doctor is not on call today. If this is an emergency please take your computer to your nearest service centre."
Totally frustrated I started yanking on the power cord. On came a message, "You have preformed an illegal operation again. This is it. The RCMP are on their way."
Guess what? I am starting from scratch again. I disengaged my network. I find it a lot simpler to have my secretary make a draft and I make changes with my 19 cent red pen. And I don't want to hear any lip from anybody because if you get me mad, I'll unplug you.
______________
© 2007 Marcel Strigberger. This article CANNOT be copied or reproduced in any way without the expressed written consent of the Author.
Add a comment