Mr. Justice Jury

By Marcel Strigberger

I read with interest the story about New York's mayor Rudolph Giuliani being selected recently for jury duty in a tort case. It seems that New York has recently lifted nearly all exemptions for jury duty and mayors, lawyers and even judges are now eligible.

This got me thinking. What would happen if a judge's number were to come up in his own court? And what if the judge would be someone like The MIkado's Pooh Bah and decide to wear two hats?

Would he have had two daily diaries during the course of the following criminal trial?

MONDAY Juror - I was very excited this morning as I entered the courtroom together with the other jury panellists. The atmosphere was awesome. Rumours abounded that the presiding judge would be "The Crusher". Judge - Another Monday. Another arson case. I was a bit late getting to court today as a cop stopped me for speeding. I noticed a nervous but intelligent looking guy on the jury panel. I hope he gets picked. TUESDAY Juror - Yep, we've got the Crusher. He was late to court yesterday. He told the jury it was some official business with the police. I got selected. Both lawyers ok'ed me after about two minutes of legal mumbo jumbo. Judge - That intellectual looking panellist did get picked. He looks sharp. I noticed him obviously enthralled by counsels' opening statements. WEDNESDAY Juror - Both lawyers are windbags. They just went on and on telling us that it is up to us whom we believe. What do they take us for, morons? The judge however seems fascinated by their ramblings. Not even once did he tell them to pipe down. I hope the good stuff starts tomorrow. Judge - Counsels' enlightening statements are over. The jury appeared fascinated. THURSDAY Juror - It was a great day in court today. Pity however that we couldn't be there to watch the show. That dumb judge ordered us out of the courtroom just as the arresting police officer was about to get to the juicy stuff. The lawyers rattled off some fancy foreign phrase and out we went. Judge - Today we had the voir dire. I found that the inculpatory statement the accused made to the police was voluntary and therefore admissible. I believed the police officer where his evidence conflicted with that of the accused. I always wondered what the jurors do outside the courtroom when they're excluded for hours at a time. FRIDAY Juror - Well we were back in court today like a jury should be. It gets boring out there playing Trivial Pursuit. The arresting cop testified. He said the accused readily told him after the arrest that he often carried a jerri can of gasoline around as "you never know when it could come in handy." Somehow this felt like a deja vue. The accused later testified that the officer, who weighs about 300 pounds and looks like a clone of King Kong Bundy, threatened him to "fess up". I believe the accused. Judge - Another day of exciting testimony. Both counsel snapped at one another objecting to the questions. I had to ask them to approach the bench a number of times. The jury is probably puzzled by all this manoeuvring. MONDAY Juror - These lawyers are off the wall. And what do they talk about when the judge asks them to approach the bench? The World Series? Judge - The lawyers made their closing statements and I started to charge the jury. The jury seemed mesmerized by my eloquent charge. TUESDAY Juror - There's no doubt in my mind the judge is trying to make the Guinness Book of Records for talk-a-thons. Judge - I completed my charge. I expect the jury to be out for days on this one. WEDNESDAY Juror - We found the guy not guilty after deliberating about fifteen minutes. The judge seemed pleased with our decision. Judge - Would you believe it, those twelve imbeciles acquitted the arsonist. Whatever is it they do back at that jury room? Play Trivial Pursuit? I need a break.

It will probably not happen but if the judge's number does come up and he gets onto the jury panel, I'd trade my Toronto Maple Leafs tickets to catch that trial.

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© 2007 Marcel Strigberger. This article CANNOT be copied or reproduced in any way without the expressed written consent of the Author.