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Legal Humour Blog

 

May 2014

Bigots, Brothels and Bonkers

May 4, 2014 10:00 PM
Marcel Strigberger

           This just wasn't Donald Sterling's week.  We all know that the owner of the L.A. Clippers was banned for life from participating in the NBA and in addition he was fined $2.5 million for allegedly making racist slurs.  Now it seems he was also banned for life from ever attending the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada.  The owner  Dennis Hof wants nothing to do with Sterling.

           Now this is huge. To my knowledge no other human, however vile, was ever banned from attending a brothel.  We can all agree Sterling's acts were deplorable.  However I did a Google search, under "banned from brothels". I did not see the expected names such as  Josef Stalin, Saddam Hussein or Adolph Hitler pop up.  Then again it’s not as if these demons regularly frequented these establishments.  I doubt we'll ever see a tree on the grounds of places like the Bunny Ranch with the words carved therein in a heart shape reading, "Adolph and Eva".  

           I thought I would enter the Bunny Ranch website and check it out myself, for research purposes solely, of course. I however resisted temptation when I read the 9 onerous conditions I must agree to before continuing, including number 9 that reads:

        " 9. If you've read and fully understand the above agreement, and you affirm and swear that viewing/downloading/receiving sexually explicit materials does not violate the standards of your community, that you won't make any of the materials available to minors in any form, that you are wholly liable for any legal ramifications that may arise for your receiving or viewing of these materials and that you are over the age of 18 you may continue."
 
         I decided to pass; I am still a minor.

         Moving along to Sarnia, a Ricky James Knight got 10 days in jail for leaving feces on the front door of his ex-wife's house.  I do a fair bit of family law and I bend over backwards to help the parties arrive at a peaceful resolution. However in my opinion, Knight would not be a suitable candidate for mediation.  Maybe yes, but if I was there you certainly couldn't get me to shake his hand.

         And we all thought Donald Sterling has problems.

          As you can guess, there is never a dull day in my family law and personal injury practice. Please visit www.striglaw.com .

  

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April 2014


All about the Alamo, the Duck and the Colonoscopy

Apr 27, 2014 7:12 PM
Marcel Strigberger

           Remember the Alamo?  Daniel Athens certainly will.  He made the mistake of relieving himself on the front wall of the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas and was charged with felony criminal mischief on a public monument or place of human burial. A judge gave him 18 months in jail for this deed.  You read right, 18 months behind bars for taking a whiz.

            I can just imagine his arrest.  "OK, hands up.  No wait; first finish what you're doing."

            I'd say the punishment is a bit excessive.  If this were Canada and a cop would see someone doing his business on the CN Tower, the officer would likely let the guy off with a warning, saying something like, "Hey you! You can't do that here, Eh!"

            From Texas we go to Estacada, Oregon, where Cynthia Ruddell, a 62 year old retired nurse was visiting her mom when suddenly, she was ambushed and attacked by a neighbour's pet duck. In trying to flee the assault, she fell and fractured her wrist. She is suing for $275,000.00.

            Her lawyer, Gregory Price claims that the owner failed to warn others about the propensity of the duck to attack unsuspecting individual.

            Good luck with that one.  How would the owner know about the duck's propensity? It's not as if Donald would frequently spend time behind a tree and dressed in a black leather jacket, and when some visiting lady strolled by, he would jump in front of her and shout, "Bonsai."

            The news story makes it sound like the duck was a member of some sinister organization, called "Hell's Ducks”.

            I'd say she probably provoked the duck making fun of his webbed feet, and his motorcycle.

            And speaking of making fun, here's a story about colonoscopy comedy.  In Fairfax County, Virginia, a patient who underwent a colonoscopy is suing his two doctors for 1.35 million dollars, claiming they made fun of him while he was under the anesthetic.  They were allegedly joking about shooting a gun up his rectum, and eating him alive.  Apparently he recorded this conversation leaving his cell phone on.

            I'd say those are two very expensive jokes, costing a potential $675,000.00 each.  I'm sure that in retrospect, had the two doctors been warned about the cost of joking and asked if they wished to continue, they would have responded, "It's OK, now let's just move on and turn that thing to the left."

            Then again there is something very strange about this patient. After all who in his right mind brings a cell phone along for his colonoscopy?  And out of curiosity, I wonder where he kept it hidden.

             Please  also visit www.striglaw.com, my civil litigation, family law and mediation practice website.    We take our work seriously, ourselves, a bit less seriously.

              

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Dollars and Dufuses

Apr 14, 2014 6:11 PM
Marcel Strigberger

   In Long Island N.Y. a Franklin Youngblood is suing a nursing home for one million dollars. It seems the home regularly hired male strippers to amuse the female residents.  When Franklin saw a picture of his 85-year-old mother, Bernice, stuffing dollar bills into a dancer’s briefs, he went ballistic, and decided to sue alleging his mom had been violated.

    I am not so sure about this one. In an interview, when a reporter asked Bernice what she might do with the money should she get compensation out of this lawsuit, she said, “ Don’t know yet. But I want them to pay me in singles.” 

    And in Vernon Township, New Jersey, we saw another instance of schools gone mad.  Ethan Chaplin, a grade 7 student, was twirling his pencil in class.  A classmate did not like it so he told his teacher the twirling looked like a gun motion and it made him “uncomfortable”.


    Suddenly all hell broke loose. Ethan was forced to give a blood and urine sample, undergo psychological testing and was of courses suspended.  A school superintendent justified the action claiming that where a student is made to feel uncomfortable, it must launch an investigation.

    What the school is saying in effect is that a pencil is tantamount to a firearm. They have to go into 911 mode if some kid says, “I’m uncomfortable. Ethan is playing with a loaded pencil.  It has lead in it.”

    What happened to the days where a teacher would say to the offender, “Hey Jimmy, could you please put down your pencil.”  Instead the whole world has to learn about the brains behind the Vernon Township school board.

    It will not be too long before we hear of some other student getting suspended because some kid felt uncomfortable after Jimmy lunched on too many beans.

   

We have to laugh in the legal profession. Frequently. Please visit my practice website, www.striglaw.com .

 

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Strawberry Alert

Apr 6, 2014 11:32 AM
Marcel Strigberger

 

    The world is getting crazier and crazier.  A Michael Kass of Brooklyn, New York paid $12.00 to see a movie at the local Park Slopes Pavilion Theater.  The theatre has a no outside food policy.  Michael is a type 2 diabetic who cannot eat the theatre’s snacks and so he brought along a small container of strawberries.  This did not sit well with the manager who told him to dump the contraband.

    Michael then offered to leave, asking for a refund of his $12.00. The manager in his wisdom refused and so Michael Kass entered the theatre to watch the movie he had paid for.

    Ten minutes later two police officers arrived and escorted Michael Kass out of the theatre, like some criminal.  I am wondering about some of the back/untold story in this matter.

 

    The manager probably called 911.:

    “Yes sir, what is your emergency?”

    “There’s a guy in here with a Tupperware  full of strawberries”

    “Say no more sir. Code Red. Is he armed otherwise?”

    “Don’t know; it’s dark in the theatre”

    “No problem.  Sounds like a  607. “We’re sending over help. Clear out the theatre. And do not come near him. He’s likely dangerous”

    (Aside- “Units 42 and 48, please go to the Park Slopes Pavilion Theater immediately. Forget about that bank robbery in Flatbush”).

 

    Five minutes later the police surround the theatre.  A plainclothes officer approaches the theatre wearing a bullet proof vest, latex gloves and a bib.  He shouts through a blowhorn:

    “Hey you with the strawberries.  Come out with your hands up high.  And if you have any strawberries in your mouth, spit them out immediately.  And if you have any cream, leave it on your seat; or we’ll fire the tear gas”.  (Aside- “Men, we’re going in.  Put on your aprons).    

    Michael Kass surrenders with no resistence.  The theatre however is put on look-down for 2 hours as the canine squad searches the palace.  Police have reason to suspect there is another culprit hiding there, with a banana.

    The good news is that after Michael Kass put this story on Facebook, the whole world knew about the incident and the theatre owner apologized, offering to refund his 12 bucks, look into installing a wellness cafe in the theatre and inviting Michael to come and see the movie...with his strawberries of course.

 

Please also visit my practice site, www.striglaw.com . In addition to personal injury and family law, I now also provide mediation services.  I am sure I could have readily resolved that theatre fiasco.

 

    

   

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March 2014


The Puck Stops Here

Mar 30, 2014 11:41 AM
Marcel Strigberger

    I envy and admire Dalen Kuchmey. Who is Dalen Kuchmey? Glad you asked. He is the former goalie for the O.H.L. Windsor Spitfires. A few days ago by about  halfway through a playoff game, Dalen had let in 8 goals. His team was down 8-1. Delan suddenly left the ice, changed and drove home. Full stop. He apparently was not happy that the coach had not pulled him out of the game earlier.

    Lawyers cannot get off a case that easily.

    As we all know, once a lawyer gets on record with the court, we need either a new lawyer or the client to file a notice of change of representation or we have to apply for a court order to allow us to say goodbye to the case. The latter can sometimes be difficult, even when dealing with a client from hell.  You have to file an affidavit showing that the lawyer and the client are not getting along 100%. The lawyer’s affidavit might say:

    “4. I asked Mr Wiggly for further instructions and he emailed me saying, “Here are my instructions. You are an incompetent, idiotic, lying shyster. I hate you.

     5. The following day Mr Wiggly he came to my office and slashed the tires of my new Lexus.

     6. This was followed by his sending a courier over to my office, delivering two dead fish wrapped in a newspaper, with a note reading, ‘further instructions you dumb ass’..”

    Even this may not be enough to convince a judge to let the lawyer off the record.

    As I said, I envy and admire Dalen Kuchmey.

    However, maybe I can stop practicing law soon. I just received a letter from some law firm in Portugal advising that they represent the estate of a George Mark Strigberger who perished in a car accident a while back and who apparently left no known next of kin.  My namesake’s estate is valued at over 20 million Euros. After doing a careful search, the lawyers tracked me down, suggesting that I must be related to this guy and they are prepared to send me a cheque. They just need to verify some basic information, like my social insurance number, bank account details and pin numbers so they can facilitate the deposit. The letter says, "There is not one atom of risk on your part".

    I am pondering about this offer. Or rather about what is more likely; the chances of this offer being  being legitimate or the chances of Dalen Kuchmey returning to the Spitfires nets.

Until I get those 20 million Euros, if you have any family law or civil litigation/personal/injury insurance matters, you can still visit me at www.striglaw.com .

 

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The Midwest Book Review has referred to Marcel Strigberger as "an irrepressible humorist with a story teller’s flair for spinning a yarn with true (and hysterically funny) insights into the basics of human nature".

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