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Legal Humour Blog

 

July 2013

The Druid Temple v. Jock the Mover

Jul 22, 2013 9:45 PM
Marcel Strigberger

For centuries people have wondered about the mystery of how the stones at Stonehenge England arrived there. There are several dozen huge stones arranged in a circular pattern with some rocks resting horizontally high atop the other rocks, each piece weighing several tons. Experts claim that the stones originate from Wales. I recently visited Stonehenge. I was no further enlightened.

It seems however that some light may now be shed on the mystery as construction workers digging near the courthouse in nearby Salisbury have come across some court records which reveal a legal action that took place centuries ago. The story will show that times have not changed.

The following narrative is taken from the judgment of the trial judge:

Flintsone J.: The plaintiff, the Druid Orthodox Temple, brings this action against the defendant Jock the Mover. It seems that the plaintiff hired the mover to move its temple from Wales a couple of hundred miles south to a site near Salisbury. The plaintiff claims that many of the rocks were not delivered, some were returned damaged and the temple was not properly set up.

A month or so before the move a sales representative of the mover, one Ehrlick, visited the Druids to price the move. He dealt with one Bork, the Temple's ritual slaughterer and accountant.

The two struck a deal to move the entire temple rock by rock and reset it up at Stonehenge.

The move was to start the following week and take three days. Ehrlick's testimony however was that he specifically advised Bork that the mover was also moving a second nearby temple shortly and that it would move the two simultaneously "as there's no sense travelling all that distance for just one temple".

Unfortunately the move was plagued by misfortune from the word go.

On November 26 the Druids waited patiently for Jock's team of movers to arrive. To their chagrin what came were three drunken men in a broken flatbed wagon. They circled the temple once and left, indicating they would be back after lunch. The move was not started completed until the following July.

While the movers were unloading an altercation erupted. The man in charge, one Leon, requested payment before completion of the set up, indicating that terms of payment were C.O.D. Bork refused to pay at that point and the movers left, retaining with them a number of rocks as security, pursuant to the Moving and Warehousing of Places of Worship Act.

The Druids claim that many rocks are still missing or damaged and they sue for 100,000 Crowns.

The mover argues that it is not at fault, saying that on route its vehicles were ambushed by a bunch of outlaws while passing through Sherwood Forest. The bandits made off with the driver's purse, his wagon and about twenty-five eight-ton rocks. They also snatched his pet beagle Pokey.

The Sheriff of Nottingham eventually recovered a couple of the rocks from the homes of the poor. The Sheriff charged them with possession of stolen property. The accused apparently alleged that they picked the rocks up at a local flea market.

The Druids also claim that the temple is now ruined. Bork points to a sketch of rocks arranged in a circle and says, "Where is the roof?"

The structure indeed appears roofless. Ehrlick denies that the temple ever had a roof. He points to the bill of lading which lists what was being moved and he says that there is no mention of a roof.

Bork on the other hand insists that there was a cover, "as you can hardly light up a sacrifice when it rains if there is no roof."

The mover says that if there was a roof, then maybe the outlaws pocketed it. His lawyer points to a clause in the contract that absolves the mover from "unlawful acts of the King's enemies."

I did not spot this clause initially but I now see it with the aid of my magnifying glass. Bork denies ever seeing the clause at all. Furthermore he claims he doesn't read Latin. I don't accept the mover's argument that Latin is similar to Druidese. I can't believe that for any Druid "Latin is a piece of cake".

There will be judgement for the plaintiff.

I trust this helps explain the mystery of Stonehenge. But nobody knows what ever became of Pokey.

When I am not busy watching temples being moved, I practice family personal injury and insurance law. Please visit www.striglaw.com.  I am bilingual (English and French, not Druidese.)

 

 

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Jul 5, 2013 6:06 PM
Marcel Strigberger

       In St. John N.B. the outcome in a criminal trial involving twin brothers could not be determined on DNA evidence as in case of twins, the DNA is identical for each twin.  The jury did convict both brothers on burglary related charges as it had other evidence to go by.  However given the importance of DNA evidence in securing  criminal convictions, I think a change in the law is due as there is unfairness in exempting twins from the scourges of DNA evidence.

       Firstly I believe the rest of us have a strong Charter of Rights argument.  Section 15(1) of the Charter reads:

    “15.       (1) Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination...”  

      Where is the equality? Why should twins get off in the face of solid DNA evidence, while the majority of good single birth criminals are subject having saliva, hair or other body substances buy them a conviction?

      I have 2 more suggestions

      The first is, convict either one of them. It doesn’t matter which. Given their cemented relationship, each should feel the pain of the other, something like Alexander Dumas’ Corsican Brothers. Conversely if Brent is convicted for Brad’s crime, though incarcerated, he would no doubt feel the freedom Brad would enjoy. On second thought, in that case, I am not happy with this scenario. Why should the guy in jail feel good?

      The other suggestion is, hang them both.  After all, they are the ones who caused this confusion.  And considering that their DNA is identical, if one has bad DNA, so does the other.  

      Speaking of hair, a certified aesthetician in Ross Township, Pennsylvania was fired by the owner of the European Wax Centre for not allowing co-workers to perform a Brazilian wax on her.  She is now suing for damages, alleging there was something illegal about the owner insisting she restructure her private area.  I suppose the owner sees it more like an employee at Tim Horton’s going out for lunch and returning with a double double from Starbucks.  

      I don’t know how this case will turn out but  the owner is counterclaiming for the tickets he had to refund to 250 spectators.  

      I practice personal injury and family law. Please visit www.striglaw.com. There is only one of me.

 

 

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Comedy of Errors and Errors of Comedy

Jul 1, 2013 9:00 PM
Marcel Strigberger

The past few days have seen a couple of oddball court decisions surface.

Firstly is the Supreme Court of Canada's ruling staying the charges against Nicole Doucet of Nova Scotia after she tried to hire a hitman to put her husband away.  The "hitman" was actually an undercover RCMP officer whom she offered $25,000.00.  No, hold it. The Mountie was the second hitman she hired. Hitman #1 one took her $25k and absconded with the cash.

My concern now is that this decision will enable hitmen to come out of the closet to ply their trade. It will not be too long before hitmen start attending family law continuing legal education conferences and setting up display booths. Most sponsors dole out giveaways like pens, memory sticks and keychains. What will these guys hand out? Silencers?

I can already see the company's banner:

 "Divorce case taking too long? Give us a call.  Free estimates.  Visit us at www.werubout.com."   

There will likely be a fish bowl on the desk: “Put your business card in and win a free contract.”

Quare whether they will provide a list of satisfied clients.

The SCC does not realize the Pandora's box it has opened.

The other bizarre decision was by the B.C. Supreme Court which upheld a $15,000.00 judgment of the BC Human Rights Tribunal against comedian Guy Earle, for uttering anti Lesbian slurs in the course of his act, at a lady in the audience who allegedly heckled him.  The HR Tribunal accepted the complainant's evidence that she suffered a post traumatic stress disorder consequent to her attendance that night at the comedy club.

I have not read the details but, hey, I spent 6 years doing standup.  Sitting in the front row and heckling the comedian may just attract an unwanted response from the comic. And she even spilled a glass of water on Earle.

This being a comedy club I would have thought the comedian is immune from any civil liability claim. Throughout the centuries the court jester was always safe to do his schtick without fear of incurring the king's wrath.  While I do not at all condone improper slurs, a stand up comic's ultimate punishment for a lousy set is the audience's reaction with a deafening silence.  To borrow a theme from the late Prime Minister Trudeau, the state has no business in the nation's Yuk Yuks's.

And what about the damages? How did this PTSD display itself? I can only imagine:

She wakes up in sweats after having recurrent nightmares of being chased by a rubber chicken. She has this inexplicable urge to hit people in the face with cream pies.  She emits primal screams whenever she hears the names, Larry, Moe or Curly?

The B.C. Supreme Court has opened a Pandora's box. Caveat comedian.

Let me conclude by giving some advice to Nicole Doucet. Next time she hires a hitman, she should not give him the full contract price up front.  She should just give him a deposit. Ten % sounds reasonable.      


Please visit my website, www.striglaw.com for more info about my personal injury and family law practice.  I am an equal opportunity lawyer and humourist.

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June 2013


Meilleur Mayor

Jun 23, 2013 10:48 PM
Marcel Strigberger

This is a good time to talk about mayors.

Shannon Everett approached Mayor Rob Ford at a recent street festival and tossed a container of juice on His Worship. She was charged with assault.

Her high profile criminal lawyer tells the media that she will be "vigorously defending" the assault charge. OK, I know all about being innocent until proven guilty but this 27 year old woman Christened the mayor in front of people and cameras. What can her possible defenses be?

1. Self defense? She had reasonable and probable grounds to believe that His Worship was about to spill juice on her. She can swear that he was reaching for that Tropicana tetra-pack in his holster.

2 Consent? She closed in on Ford and coyly asked, "Your Worship, is it OK if I spill this juice on you? " The mayor, responded, "No problem madam. After all, I have only worn this suit once."

3 Charter of Rights? I can see any lawyer worth his or her salt arguing that charging Ms Everett with assault is a violation of her rights under the Canadian Charter of Rights, contravening section 2, which reads,

"Everyone has the following fundamental freedoms:

... 2(b) freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression..."

No doubt spilling juice on a mayor is a fundamental freedom of expression.

This latter argument might best be made by the master of these arguments, colleague Clayton Ruby. And since Clay might have some time on his hands having lost his leave to appeal application to the Supreme Court of Canada in the conflicts case launched by his client Paul Magder against Mayor Ford, perhaps he can collaborate with defence counsel on this one.

For that matter, Mr Magder having lost his appeal, should consider a plan B attack on Mayor Ford. He can go to Loblaws, purchase a container of orange juice....

And while we are still speaking of mayors, this week was not a good one for Michael Applebaum, former mayor of Montreal who replaced the previous mayor accused of corruption. Mr Applebaum was himself arrested on corruption charges and forced to resign. Montreal, having suffered a number of scandals with mayors and other municipal officials, is at a loss to find another safe mayor. Maybe Mr Magder can consider going for this position. It appears a lot easier to become mayor of Montreal than to remove the mayor of Toronto.

I practice family  and personal injury law.  Please visit www.striglaw.com.  All mayors welcome.


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A Juicy Tale

Jun 18, 2013 9:57 PM
Marcel Strigberger

I find that American companies are overly hypersensitive to and paranoid about law suits.

Not long ago one fine Sunday morning I went to the fridge to pour myself a tall glass of refreshing Florida pure "not from concentrate" orange juice. Unfortunately due to fridge malfunction the carton was frozen solid. I removed it, let it thaw out for a while and soon a few millilitres of juice trickled out. I proceeded to consume same. It then occurred to me, was it safe to drink orange juice which went from liquid to frozen to liquid?

As I questioned my action, I thought that I started feeling funny. Lightheaded perhaps. As well I may have sensed a tickle in my throat. Maybe even an intermittent jabbing pain in my ribs. Maybe not. Actually I was quite certain that I was feeling like Rasputin after he ate those arsenic laced cakes. In Rasputin's case however it took 5 bullets, an assault from a dagger and a dip in the Volga to finish him off. In my case I felt that the latter two weapons were going to be superfluous

Not being one to panic I read the information on the carton. I noticed a 1-800 number to call for information. I dialled same and on came a message:

...We are closed on weekends but if this is a medical emergency, please leave your name and number...

I of course left my vital information including name, phone number and provisional diagnosis, citrus fruit poisoning.

Three minutes later a lady called me back, from Florida. Her name was something like Maggie Anne. I explained what had happened and how I was feeling. She assured me that there was no danger at all in drinking unfrozen-frozen-unfrozen orange juice. With those words my symptoms seemed to subside instantly. I felt reprieved. She took my address and thanked me for calling.

I forgot about the incident and went on to enjoy life and to continue to practice law.

About three weeks later I received a letter from the juice company apologizing for the unfortunate incident and asking if there was anything they could do for me.

Being a courteous person, I took two minutes to write back, on my legal letterhead, saying thank you but that there was not much more I could say at this time.

A week later I received the following letter from Tallahassee Florida from some insurance adjustor:

'Dear Mr. Strigberger:

Re Squeezed from the Sun Orange Juice - claim #AD28374-04

We are the adjustors handling this matter. This claim is presently under investigation. Do you still have some of that frozen juice or the container? Please send it to us by Fedex. We look forward to your cooperation and to sitting down to discuss this case with you. . ."

I was really a bit busy for this but once again out of an abundance of courtesy, I answered the adjustor.

"Dear sir,

I do not have anymore of the juice nor the container. In any event I have said all I have to say about the incident to Maggie Anne. . ."

I thought that ended that. Two weeks later the following letter arrived from Miami from a Sherman, Lamarre and Grant, Attorneys at law:

"Dear Attorney Strigberger

Squeezes from the Sun has decided to remove this matter from the adjustor level and to refer it to us. We are quite concerned about the allegations you have made. Our clients in the food industry take those comments seriously. Especially the one about Rasputin. Although you have 2 years to sue, my client would like to set its reserves early and to get an idea of the magnitude of the claim it might be facing. Please send us a copy of all your doctors' clinical notes and records, including the records of the hospital where you received emergency treatment. We would like to avoid litigation and resolve this mater amicably, but if need be, we shall fight your claim to the fullest.

Sincerely,

C. Jackson Sherman Jr."

I decided to have some fun with him. I wrote back.

"Dear Attorney Sherman:

I am really besides myself since this calamity. Thanks to the quick thinking paramedics and the entire emergency department at the Toronto Hospital, my physical wounds have more or less healed.

have however been left with deep psychological and emotional damage. My psychiatrist Dr. Felix Schindler can attest to my post traumatic stress disorder. The mere sight of the colour orange makes me cringe with fear. This past Halloween season I could not leave my home for three days after a terrifying experience I underwent just looking at a pumpkin. Some days I just think about ending it all. Can you get me a booking with your electric chair? A date with Old Sparky would be merciful. What can money do for me now? . . ."

Within a day I received a fax letter from Mr. Sherman:

"Dear Colleague:

We were most sorry to hear about your debilitating experience. Without prejudice to our client's position, we are prepared to fly you and your wife down for a week's all expense paid vacation at Disney World. All you have to do is submit to an insurer's defence medical examination for one day. As you may know the State of Florida Practice Rules permit the defence to conduct such examinations and refusal by the plaintiff to submit will lead to the denial by the court of any award it might otherwise make for punitive damages.

I am enclosing a copy of the case of Smedley v Happy Sun Orange Juice where in a claim most similar to yours the jury awarded $250,000 for pain and suffering. But do note that the trial judge did not allow punitive damages of $2,000,000 as the plaintiff failed to submit to a defence medical.

I look forward to hearing from you. . ."

I am presently studying my options, as I am sipping on a vodka and orange juice. I am considering making the trip. The only problem is this is Florida. These guys take their orange juice seriously. Very seriously. I suspect that if the insurer feels I am doing something nifty or illegal, it can probably invoke some penal provisions and I could find myself getting that date with Old Sparky.

This piece was just published in the June edition of Just, the magazine of the Ontario Bar Association.

Please visit my practice site, www.striglaw.com   If you accidentally drank a similar potion or your spouse served you one, I can help you.

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The Midwest Book Review has referred to Marcel Strigberger as "an irrepressible humorist with a story teller’s flair for spinning a yarn with true (and hysterically funny) insights into the basics of human nature".

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